I will live with me

I'm sitting here, the night before, a year after, the worst day of my life. My mind is where it was a year ago. I'm just trying to process the year behind me. None of it has been easy. There have been better days than others. Some days are not those days.....

Me and Andy had a fight. We don't have big fights. Ok, they are pretty big, but not big like I've had in my lifetime. Voices raise, we yell over each other, but in the end..... monotone "I love you. I'll talk to you later." So, as far as fights go, I've had worse, but none that rip at my heart more.

I need to forgive.  He needs to be angry.

It's not that I want this guy who killed my son to feel peace and love, that's not it, I want to quit directing my energy toward hating him and use my energy toward the people I love and that one I miss.

He thinks it's a betrayal and I'm letting him off too easy.

I think it's a relief.

My son is dead, whether he died of leukemia or fell off of a bridge or got shot in the chest. The outcome is exactly the same.

I just can't be angry forever. It takes all my time and my energy. I loved my son and I love my sons who are still breathing. Anything that takes away from that is, in my mind, a disservice to them.  I think maybe, my son is too young to feel the drain of hate. Maybe he has never felt the lack of real emotion that hating someone can steal from you. How can you love when you hate, it's so overpowering? How can you forgive when you hate, you are so busy hating.

I tried to explain that I wasn't forgiving him so he could feel better, but I was forgiving him for me. He will live with himself for the rest of his life......and I will live with me.