Miscellaneous thoughts

I remember the day I learned how to spell miscellaneous, it was a grand day. I didn't have to write misc. anymore, I could actually write the word.

Why do people who ride bikes think that they have to wear spandex? I remember riding my bike for miles and miles and I don't think I ever wore spandex. It's a thing. "I wear spandex because I'm a bike rider" Well dumbass, I can see you're a bike rider, you're on a bike taking up a 4th of my lane and now I have to move over. How about you moving over Mr. Spandex. I'll bet your turn signal doesn't even work. 

I made myself the grandest of dinners tonight. I cooked a steak, medium rare, sauteed some mushrooms and baked a potato, and then added some sour cream, some Wasabi to dip the steak in...it was scrumptious. Another good word.

I went out and took a walk by the lake yesterday. I sifted through the trash to find my beach glass. People are such pigs. Always bitching, always moaning, but rarely seeing their part in the problem. Shut up!

I sent the ex an email today, telling him that I was wrong for thinking he was something he wasn't.....like a good person or something. That the blame falls entirely on my shoulders since he's proven himself to be a dick time and time again. How shocked I was when he walked out on me when I had car problems, or my best friend died, or my kids drove me crazy or I hated my job...and for some reason I was shocked again, when he walked away while I mourned the death of my son.

Do I seem angry? I'm sorry, I totally mean to sound angry, but I should probably keep it to myself. It seems to make people uncomfortable. Not that I'm uncomfortable. Not sleeping, the guilt, the replaying of the whole thing over and over and over in my head. The hellish waking up, the nightmare of going to sleep knowing that I'll wake up again.

Sucks to be me. 

What I really look forward to is more people telling me I'll be ok. That's what is important. Me being ok. I really like that look that they get on their faces, or I hear in their voices...you know, that judgmental look and sound. I had one lady say "He was 29, oh he wasn't that young" she also said that "Maybe this will open your other son's eyes"....oh, I'm absolutely, positive it did.

I'll be ok. My son is dead but what I'm thinking about is the day I'll be ok. 

I'm NEVER going to be OK. MY SON IS DEAD. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE OK!

I made an appointment to get some counseling. I don't know how normal this amount of anger is....I've never had a child shot in cold blood in front of his brother before. Hopefully they can help me shed some light on the way I feel. But the one thing I promise you, the one thing I swear to God, I will never, ever be ok. I may learn to cope. I may get through my day. I may even laugh....but I will never, ever be ok.