Let it Rain

It's a windy day here. scattered showers. I like scattered showers. I will take scattered showers over hot and humid any day.

I'm going to ramble here and I hope you can follow it, or if you can't, at least forgive me for just typing in any direction I go...I have a journal, it lays next to my bed with a very nice pen next to it. I can't write in it. When you write it down on paper it becomes permanent and I'm not ready for permanent...

The alone I'm feeling is overwhelming.  It blankets me like a fog. I'm here alone in so many ways. I mourn my son and I look for any little sign that he's still here with me, I want to feel him. I want him to tell me it's ok. I grasp at straws. It's funny, 333 was always our "sign". We woke up to 3:33, we saw 333, when he got his driver's license we both saw 333 on a license plate and knew it was his day. 333 is gone. Now I see 222. 333 minus 111.

My friends have moved on. I don't blame them. Life is about living. But I'm stuck.

My "surviving" son is going through hell. Not any kind of hell I can imagine, I never had to watch anyone I love die a horrific death. But I see it, in my mind, over and over and over, anytime things get quiet. I try to clutter my mind because that keeps my thoughts from going there.....

I can't even say out loud the things I think, the questions I have ....

What do I say when people say "How many kids do you have?" How do I argue gay rights when my gay son is dead? How do I differentiate between how my son died and who he was? I say "The police shot him" and watch the judgments form...

(words & music by Joe South)
If I could be you, if you could be me
For just one hour, if we could find a way
To get inside each other's mind
If you could see you through my eyes
Instead your own ego I believe you'd be
I believe you'd be surprised to see
That you've been blind

Walk a mile in my shoes
just walk a mile in my shoes
Before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Then walk a mile in my shoes

Now if we spend the day
Throwin' stones at one another
'Cause I don't think, 'cause I don't think
Or wear my hair the same way you do
Well, I may be common people
But I'm your brother
And when you strike out
You're tryin' to hurt me
It's hurtin' you, Lord HAVE mercy

Walk a mile in my shoes
just walk a mile in my shoes
Before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Then walk a mile in my shoes

Now there are people on reservations
And out in the ghetto
And brother there, but, for the grace of God
Go you and I,
If I only had wings of a little angel
Don't you know, I'd fly
To the top of a mountain
And then I'd cry, cry, cry

Walk a mile in my shoes
just walk a mile in my shoes
Before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Then walk a mile in my shoes (3X)