Wallowing

I was going to spend this weekend with a girlfriend. She was wallowing. I understand wallowing. Just take a day and wallow. We are entitled.

I have done that. I'm sure people are tired of my wallowing. I'm tired of my wallowing. It doesn't make it less important however.

I'm sick of being sad. I'm tired of crying. I want nothing more than to just move on like nothing ever happened, unfortunately it did. I can't move forward. I can't move on. I can't even freaking move.

My cat is even being nice. That's scary, she's not a nice cat.

Do you think one day you just wake up and all the pain you've felt for all of these months is just gone? I don't know, I'm asking. Where does it go? What happens to it? I was just starting to feel normal and my niece died. My beautiful 27 year old Down's Syndrome, happy all the time, give her an action hero and she was content, niece. She was so beautiful.

Her and Benjamin didn't know each other, I hope they do now. I can see Benjamin taking her hand and saying "Come on with me, I'll show you the way around" and I can see Betty saying "Let me tell you stories about your Aunt Kari"

I'm acquiring quite the collection in this place we like to think of as Heaven. I don't believe in Heaven, but I don't believe our souls die either.  I feel Benjamin, I feel Betty. I miss them both more than you can imagine but I think they are here, somewhere, and I feel their warmth. I see things that make me think of them, make me feel close to them and I send them kisses.  I wonder if people think I'm crazy when they see me pucker up and send a kiss to the Heavens:? I hope so.