I don't know if anyone reads this. I write for me. I just have to get this all out of me because it eats at me like a cancer.
I found out more details about how my son died. It was worse than I thought. How can it be worse? He's dead no matter how he died. Knowing he laid on the sidewalk dying, while his brother was questioned on the curb, hearing the gasps for breath, watching the police shine a flashlight in his face, while NO ONE, not one person did anything to try to preserve my son's life, is like a knife.....not a sharp knife, but a dull knife, being stabbed into my chest and slowly pulled upward.
My mind says I should be healing, my heart says it's only just begun. I don't know if anyone can relate to this sudden realization that your child is gone. Dead. It happens daily and it happens often. It just doesn't happen to MY CHILD.
I don't know what happened. I think that I finally started hearing things, because for awhile people were talking and I heard a noise, I just couldn't decipher it. Now I can...and I want to go back...to the days I couldn't decipher it.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Repeat after me...
During the week I'm ok. I work, I live, I'm ok. During the weekends life slows down, to a speed I cannot handle. This is my thought process on Saturday morning...I wake up. I start the coffee, the cat is yelling, I feed the cat her special Saturday cat food, I make a cup of coffee...and then.....
I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. If I could do it again I wouldn't. I'm sorry. Forgive me. I'm sorry.....then I drink and I sleep and I wake up again and rinse and repeat......FUCK!
I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. If I could do it again I wouldn't. I'm sorry. Forgive me. I'm sorry.....then I drink and I sleep and I wake up again and rinse and repeat......FUCK!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Life moves on...
...one day at a time from June 4th. Nothing will ever be the same. I was talking to my son tonight and I said "If you talk to your brother....", he used to ask "Which one?" He doesn't anymore.
I have decided someone needs to make these people accountable. Someone needs to say "Prove it", that someone, right now, is me
What else do I have to do? .
I have decided someone needs to make these people accountable. Someone needs to say "Prove it", that someone, right now, is me
What else do I have to do? .
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Foxes and Chickens
Good morning boys and girls. I have a little story for you today.
Once upon a time there was a hen house where all the little chickens went to lay their eggs and hatch their little chicks. They had lived there a long time and were quite content.
One day a fox came by and he said "Hello Chickens, nice place you have here" The chickens, being the trusting souls that they are said "Well good morning Mr. Fox. It is a beautiful place, isn't it? We're very lucky to have such a fine place to raise our babies."
The Fox, being a fox, sees his golden opportunity here. "Living in such a nice place you must worry all the time." "Oh no" said the chickens, "we feel very safe here."
"Oh really", said the Fox, "What if someone else sees this beautiful place and they want it for themselves? What if someone sees so many wonderful chickens running around here and they are so jealous they want to hurt you, or steal your babies, or even worse...what if they want to EAT YOU?"
"Oh my", said the chickens, "we have never thought of that!" The chickens immediately became nervous and started clucking among themselves. The fox sat and watched and waited....
Soon the chickens gathered around him. "What shall we do Mr. Fox?" they asked, "We are so afraid."
The Fox said oh so gently, "Oh don't you worry, my little friends, for I have just the solution for you" Relieved to hear this the chickens waited anxiously to hear what they could do to be safe.
"Me and my friends will keep you safe", said the Fox. "We will stand guard outside your beautiful home and make sure no one tries to take it from you. We will stay out here at night while you sleep so no one can get in and hurt you or take your babies." "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, " said the chickens and they all went happily about their business of living, clucking among themselves about how lucky there were to have found someone so willing to see to their safety.
Later that evening all the chickens filed into their little coop, happy in the knowledge that someone was there watching over them. The foxes gathered outside.
The next morning all that was left in the chicken coop was feathers, empty nests, and one lone chicken that had hidden behind a pile of straw! The chicken ran out of the coop in the morning and ran up to the foxes and said "You did this! I saw you! It was you! I'm going to tell the Farmer and he will have you all killed!"
The foxes, knowing that the little chicken was absolutely correct and being very afraid of the Farmer said "Oh no, little chicken, you are wrong. You must be in shock, we are so sorry for your loss, we are going to help you find who did this, because obviously dear chicken, it couldn't have been us for we were out here all night guarding your little home and we saw no one go in. We are going to help you find out who did this."
The little chicken, knowing that he alone was left to vindicate the death of all of his family and friends, and knowing he was outnumbered by the foxes asked timidly "How are you going to do that? What will you do?"
"We will investigate" said the foxes, quietly high fiving themselves behind their backs. "We will make sure that whoever did this comes to justice. Just give us some time and we will get back to you with what we have learned"
A week later the foxes came back. "Well, little chicken, we have found who did this terrible deed and we are going to tell you so you can tell the Farmer and justice will be done." "Who?", said the little chicken, "Tell me who killed my family and my friends! Who would do such a thing?"
"After a long and thorough investigation we have come to the conclusion that it was the Rooster. He's an angry fowl and he wanted that coop all to himself. The foxes you saw were there trying to protect you but sadly, the Rooster was too fast and too violent, they couldn't stop him in time. You were the only one we could save, and you should be ever so grateful that we were here for you. Now go tell the Farmer and when he gets more chickens to keep you company and we will come back and guard you again."
The moral of this story, boys and girls, is that if you have foxes watching the chicken coop, you will need someone to watch the foxes, and that someone should not be another fox. Foxes watching Foxes: this is what happens
Once upon a time there was a hen house where all the little chickens went to lay their eggs and hatch their little chicks. They had lived there a long time and were quite content.
One day a fox came by and he said "Hello Chickens, nice place you have here" The chickens, being the trusting souls that they are said "Well good morning Mr. Fox. It is a beautiful place, isn't it? We're very lucky to have such a fine place to raise our babies."
The Fox, being a fox, sees his golden opportunity here. "Living in such a nice place you must worry all the time." "Oh no" said the chickens, "we feel very safe here."
"Oh really", said the Fox, "What if someone else sees this beautiful place and they want it for themselves? What if someone sees so many wonderful chickens running around here and they are so jealous they want to hurt you, or steal your babies, or even worse...what if they want to EAT YOU?"
"Oh my", said the chickens, "we have never thought of that!" The chickens immediately became nervous and started clucking among themselves. The fox sat and watched and waited....
Soon the chickens gathered around him. "What shall we do Mr. Fox?" they asked, "We are so afraid."
The Fox said oh so gently, "Oh don't you worry, my little friends, for I have just the solution for you" Relieved to hear this the chickens waited anxiously to hear what they could do to be safe.
"Me and my friends will keep you safe", said the Fox. "We will stand guard outside your beautiful home and make sure no one tries to take it from you. We will stay out here at night while you sleep so no one can get in and hurt you or take your babies." "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, " said the chickens and they all went happily about their business of living, clucking among themselves about how lucky there were to have found someone so willing to see to their safety.
Later that evening all the chickens filed into their little coop, happy in the knowledge that someone was there watching over them. The foxes gathered outside.
The next morning all that was left in the chicken coop was feathers, empty nests, and one lone chicken that had hidden behind a pile of straw! The chicken ran out of the coop in the morning and ran up to the foxes and said "You did this! I saw you! It was you! I'm going to tell the Farmer and he will have you all killed!"
The foxes, knowing that the little chicken was absolutely correct and being very afraid of the Farmer said "Oh no, little chicken, you are wrong. You must be in shock, we are so sorry for your loss, we are going to help you find who did this, because obviously dear chicken, it couldn't have been us for we were out here all night guarding your little home and we saw no one go in. We are going to help you find out who did this."
The little chicken, knowing that he alone was left to vindicate the death of all of his family and friends, and knowing he was outnumbered by the foxes asked timidly "How are you going to do that? What will you do?"
"We will investigate" said the foxes, quietly high fiving themselves behind their backs. "We will make sure that whoever did this comes to justice. Just give us some time and we will get back to you with what we have learned"
A week later the foxes came back. "Well, little chicken, we have found who did this terrible deed and we are going to tell you so you can tell the Farmer and justice will be done." "Who?", said the little chicken, "Tell me who killed my family and my friends! Who would do such a thing?"
"After a long and thorough investigation we have come to the conclusion that it was the Rooster. He's an angry fowl and he wanted that coop all to himself. The foxes you saw were there trying to protect you but sadly, the Rooster was too fast and too violent, they couldn't stop him in time. You were the only one we could save, and you should be ever so grateful that we were here for you. Now go tell the Farmer and when he gets more chickens to keep you company and we will come back and guard you again."
The moral of this story, boys and girls, is that if you have foxes watching the chicken coop, you will need someone to watch the foxes, and that someone should not be another fox. Foxes watching Foxes: this is what happens
Thursday, July 8, 2010
A New Day
So today was just a day. My neck hurts. I had some guy tell me months ago that when your neck hurts it's usually actually your back, by your shoulder blade. He told to me to swing my arms forward and backward and that could loosen the muscles. I've been doing that so much today I look like one of those yard birds whose arms swing in the wind. I have tried heat, I have tried cold, I h ave taken ibuprofen and Tylenol together. I am hurting so bad I'm seriously thinking about using my "back massager" on my back.
I read some of the news today. I'm so glad that little girl in Missouri was found. SO glad. I'm really, really sick of hearing about the oil spill. I don't care anymore. It's a spill, it sucks. It will eventually be cleaned up.
Today I got an email from a true Obama hater. You know, you can have your political views, but when you dump them on me I'm going to fight back. Try using snopes now & then. My favorite thing these days is sending back the email with the snopes link and the message "not true". Funny, I never hear back on those.
Oh, and if you're going to use your Facebook page to express your really sensitive political or religious views, believe me when I tell you I won't be reading them.
Oh, and just for the record, Jake might suck, but Vienna was a gold digging liar. I'm sorry her only talent is seducing a dumb pilot, but it's not going to make her a star, and now she's famous for what she did wrong. Sucks to be her.
Yay, takes the pressure off of "sucks to be me".
Oh, and one last note...really, seriously, keep your marriage difficulties off of Facebook. It's cheap and it's ugly and most of all, it makes you look ridiculous, especially when a day later you're both professing your undying love and devotion. Seriously people, this is a marriage, there are children involved, this is where the whole "don't air your dirty laundry" comes into play.
I read some of the news today. I'm so glad that little girl in Missouri was found. SO glad. I'm really, really sick of hearing about the oil spill. I don't care anymore. It's a spill, it sucks. It will eventually be cleaned up.
Today I got an email from a true Obama hater. You know, you can have your political views, but when you dump them on me I'm going to fight back. Try using snopes now & then. My favorite thing these days is sending back the email with the snopes link and the message "not true". Funny, I never hear back on those.
Oh, and if you're going to use your Facebook page to express your really sensitive political or religious views, believe me when I tell you I won't be reading them.
Oh, and just for the record, Jake might suck, but Vienna was a gold digging liar. I'm sorry her only talent is seducing a dumb pilot, but it's not going to make her a star, and now she's famous for what she did wrong. Sucks to be her.
Yay, takes the pressure off of "sucks to be me".
Oh, and one last note...really, seriously, keep your marriage difficulties off of Facebook. It's cheap and it's ugly and most of all, it makes you look ridiculous, especially when a day later you're both professing your undying love and devotion. Seriously people, this is a marriage, there are children involved, this is where the whole "don't air your dirty laundry" comes into play.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Today was a Good Day
I woke up this morning and I cussed at the cat and I made coffee and then I remembered. That is like a big deal in my book. When I remembered it didn't make me want to kill anyone, it didn't even make me cry, but it did make me sad.
I can do sad. I did my laundry and then I headed to my parents house to drop off some stuff I had. On the way there I passed the thrift store.....I couldn't pass the thrift store....so I went in. I found some cute stuff, then headed on to my parents house.
I wasn't sure they were home and I wasn't sure that I wanted them there. But my Mom was. I walked in ready to be mad. "Where were you? Do you even know how much pain I've been in?" But she was and she did. She couldn't handle it, but she did. She gave me coffee and she listened to my stories, and she took me out to look at her garden and I know she cared. Not the way I would've cared, but the way she does.
She gave me some cards that went to her house instead of mine. They meant a lot to me. She asked me what they said...I weighed it. Reading them to her I would cry, and finally getting that she doesn't cry...I said "They are sympathy cards and they mean the world to me."
I feel like I'm healing. There is a big part of me that feels like this is so disloyal to Benjamin At what point do you live everyday knowing that your son died the way he did, and be ok?
It's the old "ok" question.....and it makes me feel like a traitor.
I can do sad. I did my laundry and then I headed to my parents house to drop off some stuff I had. On the way there I passed the thrift store.....I couldn't pass the thrift store....so I went in. I found some cute stuff, then headed on to my parents house.
I wasn't sure they were home and I wasn't sure that I wanted them there. But my Mom was. I walked in ready to be mad. "Where were you? Do you even know how much pain I've been in?" But she was and she did. She couldn't handle it, but she did. She gave me coffee and she listened to my stories, and she took me out to look at her garden and I know she cared. Not the way I would've cared, but the way she does.
She gave me some cards that went to her house instead of mine. They meant a lot to me. She asked me what they said...I weighed it. Reading them to her I would cry, and finally getting that she doesn't cry...I said "They are sympathy cards and they mean the world to me."
I feel like I'm healing. There is a big part of me that feels like this is so disloyal to Benjamin At what point do you live everyday knowing that your son died the way he did, and be ok?
It's the old "ok" question.....and it makes me feel like a traitor.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Miscellaneous thoughts
I remember the day I learned how to spell miscellaneous, it was a grand day. I didn't have to write misc. anymore, I could actually write the word.
Why do people who ride bikes think that they have to wear spandex? I remember riding my bike for miles and miles and I don't think I ever wore spandex. It's a thing. "I wear spandex because I'm a bike rider" Well dumbass, I can see you're a bike rider, you're on a bike taking up a 4th of my lane and now I have to move over. How about you moving over Mr. Spandex. I'll bet your turn signal doesn't even work.
I made myself the grandest of dinners tonight. I cooked a steak, medium rare, sauteed some mushrooms and baked a potato, and then added some sour cream, some Wasabi to dip the steak in...it was scrumptious. Another good word.
I went out and took a walk by the lake yesterday. I sifted through the trash to find my beach glass. People are such pigs. Always bitching, always moaning, but rarely seeing their part in the problem. Shut up!
I sent the ex an email today, telling him that I was wrong for thinking he was something he wasn't.....like a good person or something. That the blame falls entirely on my shoulders since he's proven himself to be a dick time and time again. How shocked I was when he walked out on me when I had car problems, or my best friend died, or my kids drove me crazy or I hated my job...and for some reason I was shocked again, when he walked away while I mourned the death of my son.
Do I seem angry? I'm sorry, I totally mean to sound angry, but I should probably keep it to myself. It seems to make people uncomfortable. Not that I'm uncomfortable. Not sleeping, the guilt, the replaying of the whole thing over and over and over in my head. The hellish waking up, the nightmare of going to sleep knowing that I'll wake up again.
Sucks to be me.
What I really look forward to is more people telling me I'll be ok. That's what is important. Me being ok. I really like that look that they get on their faces, or I hear in their voices...you know, that judgmental look and sound. I had one lady say "He was 29, oh he wasn't that young" she also said that "Maybe this will open your other son's eyes"....oh, I'm absolutely, positive it did.
I'll be ok. My son is dead but what I'm thinking about is the day I'll be ok.
I'm NEVER going to be OK. MY SON IS DEAD. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE OK!
I made an appointment to get some counseling. I don't know how normal this amount of anger is....I've never had a child shot in cold blood in front of his brother before. Hopefully they can help me shed some light on the way I feel. But the one thing I promise you, the one thing I swear to God, I will never, ever be ok. I may learn to cope. I may get through my day. I may even laugh....but I will never, ever be ok.
Why do people who ride bikes think that they have to wear spandex? I remember riding my bike for miles and miles and I don't think I ever wore spandex. It's a thing. "I wear spandex because I'm a bike rider" Well dumbass, I can see you're a bike rider, you're on a bike taking up a 4th of my lane and now I have to move over. How about you moving over Mr. Spandex. I'll bet your turn signal doesn't even work.
I made myself the grandest of dinners tonight. I cooked a steak, medium rare, sauteed some mushrooms and baked a potato, and then added some sour cream, some Wasabi to dip the steak in...it was scrumptious. Another good word.
I went out and took a walk by the lake yesterday. I sifted through the trash to find my beach glass. People are such pigs. Always bitching, always moaning, but rarely seeing their part in the problem. Shut up!
I sent the ex an email today, telling him that I was wrong for thinking he was something he wasn't.....like a good person or something. That the blame falls entirely on my shoulders since he's proven himself to be a dick time and time again. How shocked I was when he walked out on me when I had car problems, or my best friend died, or my kids drove me crazy or I hated my job...and for some reason I was shocked again, when he walked away while I mourned the death of my son.
Do I seem angry? I'm sorry, I totally mean to sound angry, but I should probably keep it to myself. It seems to make people uncomfortable. Not that I'm uncomfortable. Not sleeping, the guilt, the replaying of the whole thing over and over and over in my head. The hellish waking up, the nightmare of going to sleep knowing that I'll wake up again.
Sucks to be me.
What I really look forward to is more people telling me I'll be ok. That's what is important. Me being ok. I really like that look that they get on their faces, or I hear in their voices...you know, that judgmental look and sound. I had one lady say "He was 29, oh he wasn't that young" she also said that "Maybe this will open your other son's eyes"....oh, I'm absolutely, positive it did.
I'll be ok. My son is dead but what I'm thinking about is the day I'll be ok.
I'm NEVER going to be OK. MY SON IS DEAD. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE OK!
I made an appointment to get some counseling. I don't know how normal this amount of anger is....I've never had a child shot in cold blood in front of his brother before. Hopefully they can help me shed some light on the way I feel. But the one thing I promise you, the one thing I swear to God, I will never, ever be ok. I may learn to cope. I may get through my day. I may even laugh....but I will never, ever be ok.
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