Sunday, August 8, 2010

Let it Rain

It's a windy day here. scattered showers. I like scattered showers. I will take scattered showers over hot and humid any day.

I'm going to ramble here and I hope you can follow it, or if you can't, at least forgive me for just typing in any direction I go...I have a journal, it lays next to my bed with a very nice pen next to it. I can't write in it. When you write it down on paper it becomes permanent and I'm not ready for permanent...

The alone I'm feeling is overwhelming.  It blankets me like a fog. I'm here alone in so many ways. I mourn my son and I look for any little sign that he's still here with me, I want to feel him. I want him to tell me it's ok. I grasp at straws. It's funny, 333 was always our "sign". We woke up to 3:33, we saw 333, when he got his driver's license we both saw 333 on a license plate and knew it was his day. 333 is gone. Now I see 222. 333 minus 111.

My friends have moved on. I don't blame them. Life is about living. But I'm stuck.

My "surviving" son is going through hell. Not any kind of hell I can imagine, I never had to watch anyone I love die a horrific death. But I see it, in my mind, over and over and over, anytime things get quiet. I try to clutter my mind because that keeps my thoughts from going there.....

I can't even say out loud the things I think, the questions I have ....

What do I say when people say "How many kids do you have?" How do I argue gay rights when my gay son is dead? How do I differentiate between how my son died and who he was? I say "The police shot him" and watch the judgments form...

(words & music by Joe South)
If I could be you, if you could be me
For just one hour, if we could find a way
To get inside each other's mind
If you could see you through my eyes
Instead your own ego I believe you'd be
I believe you'd be surprised to see
That you've been blind

Walk a mile in my shoes
just walk a mile in my shoes
Before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Then walk a mile in my shoes

Now if we spend the day
Throwin' stones at one another
'Cause I don't think, 'cause I don't think
Or wear my hair the same way you do
Well, I may be common people
But I'm your brother
And when you strike out
You're tryin' to hurt me
It's hurtin' you, Lord HAVE mercy

Walk a mile in my shoes
just walk a mile in my shoes
Before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Then walk a mile in my shoes

Now there are people on reservations
And out in the ghetto
And brother there, but, for the grace of God
Go you and I,
If I only had wings of a little angel
Don't you know, I'd fly
To the top of a mountain
And then I'd cry, cry, cry

Walk a mile in my shoes
just walk a mile in my shoes
Before you abuse, criticize and accuse
Then walk a mile in my shoes (3X)

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Blood is thicker than Water

I've heard that my whole life. Let me tell you when blood is thicker than water:

  1. In a measuring cup
  2. On your white shirt
  3. In your sippy straw
  4. In that movie "Carrie"
  5. If you're paddling through it
Blood is only thicker than water in biology.

I just came from a family reunion which included 183 of my closest relatives. That was less than half of who was invited  With that many relatives just how thick could that blood be? 

We all wore color coordinated tee shirts and then spent half of Saturday trying to figure out who had the cool colors and who didn't. Alpha cousins? We had one of the cool colors. So did the Cunninghams and the Dudleys...who were all those people in pale beige? What did they do to deserve that? Maybe just not show up at the meetings?

We had hot pink. Fortunately I had my hot pink $2.99 Walgreen's flip flops...I was rocking.  

It was good to see everyone. Our group had a water balloon sling shot and took great pleasure in slinging water balloons at the gray cousins...poor gray cousins, they didn't have the vibrant color and then they had flying water balloons to deal with on top of that.

I realized, in this short weekend, that although I have a "family", my family was not there. My family consists of people who don't share my blood but share my feelings, my thoughts, and my love.

Blood is only thicker than water in science.