Monday, January 3, 2011

I am thinking...

...that maybe I should delete this blog. There is just so much pain here and I didn't start out thinking that this is what it would be. No one can predict what is going to happen, I didn't predict this. I apologize for making those of you who read this deal with this over and over. I remember when I lived in NM and they shot a bear out of tree with a tranquilizer and it fell and hit electrical lines. I watched that bear fall over and over and over and I thought why do they keep showing this? I don't want to see this anymore! I imagine you feeling the same way.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Purring: As a weapon.

That was my topic. It was funny, it was thoughtful, it was about my cat. Hahaha. That lasted about a day. Actually a few days. She meows to wake me up, she surrounds me in the shower, funny stuff.

I'm not funny. Sometimes I am, not often.

I really wanted to be funny, for the people who read this, because, MY GOD, who wants to read this depressing shit every day?

But I'm planning my trip back to NM to say a proper good bye to my son. On his birthday. And I realized that I don't remember what time of day he was born. I pushed him out of my body and I don't remember when. What kind of a mother am I? How do you forget that?

I found myself curled up in a ball, on my floor,  crying, and crying and wishing I could make myself disappear. But I don't, and I won't, and I will do what I need to do and it will never be enough. And then I will go on, and everyone will go on, but Benjamin, who will never go on, but he will be missed, forever.