Saturday, January 30, 2010

Saturday Morning Musings

It's early, too early...but I've been up for hours. arch nemisis. Just let the snow lay there for awhile you early rising, loud engine bastards. It's ok though, I like the early mornings. I watched Mr. Ed fool Wilbur into thinking he had parrot pox by covering himself in green dots with food coloring. Man that was one smart horse.....or Wilbur was mentally ill and should have been taking lithium. I'm kind of going with that second one.

I watched Joe Rogan do stand up. Do you know who Joe Rogan is? He's the guy who used to host Fear Factor. It was an old show from 2005 but this is what I do on Saturday mornings. I watch stand up because I like to start my day laughing. He's a pretty funny guy too. I never knew that. He was talking about how stupid people have no idea they're stupid. Well if anyone should know, it's him. How many people did he watch eat raw animal parts for money? I mean, come on, there are certain things you should just never put in your mouth, let alone your digestive system. I don't care how much money someone is offering me, I am not chewing on a goat penis. Which is how I know that I'm at least a few rungs above the really stupid people.

You know what I really love, the stupid criminal stories. I remember one where a girl tried to use her boyfriends ski pass. When she got caught she said she was transgender. His parents were shocked when the resort called. They had no idea their son had these issues. I had to give her credit for thinking on her feet though.

One of my favorites was about two guys that thought using a sharpie was a great way to make a disguise. I don't think they thought that through. I wonder if it ever occured to them why criminals usually stick to things like ski masks and pantyhose? It's hard to lose permanent marker when you're running down the street with a few cops chasing you. Made for some pretty embarrassing mug shots too. Not nearly as embarrassing as Nick Nolte's, but right up there.

You know, if you're going to be a criminal you really should plan ahead. If I'm going to start shoplifting or robbing banks or carjacking I'm going to make sure I'm wearing a flattering color, my hair is done and I use waterproof mascara so when I cry at the police station (you never know, sometimes crying might get you somewhere in a situation like that)..."Oh, lady, please don't cry. We hate that. Here, just give us the keys to the car, I'm sure the two kids in carseats in the back seat will be fine with a little counseling and just get the heck out of here. Oh, and don't do it again!"...but just in case crying doesn't work I don't want to look bad when I end up on TruTV's Dumb Blogs. You never know when you might meet Mr. Right.

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